TO BE AND NOT TO DO, THAT IS THE QUESTION?

This is a dilemma I face. I want to save the world, I wanna do interesting stuff, but I put myself under so much pressure, between what I have to do and what I want to do, that I end up riding an emotional rollercoaster re all of it, thereby becoming less effective. I find myself facing resistance re being in the moment with whatever I am doing, and with taking time out to simply be. Even meditation, that holy practice of Being as ones divine self, becomes another something to be factored in.

Thinking outside of the moment, rather than being in the moment causes confusion – there doesn’t seem to be enough time in the day to pursue everything, and I don’t want to give up on my plans for anything, because that would, to me, mean giving up on my dreams and stagnating. Of course, I can plan to time-manage, but everything takes up so much time, and needs so much time, that this, in itself, becomes difficult.

Unless I am actively: putting in the preparation for classes, at work teaching, doing admin etc., preparing workshops/coaching sessions, or coaching clients, doing the housework/gardening, spending time with my daughters and catering to their needs (which usually seem to involve financial outlay!), I feel guilty.

Being on the internet, or on Twitter or watching TV feel like indulgences I have to justify to myself, even though these practices are necessary on so many levels and stimulating to my work.

I also feel less than when I don’t practice Tai Chi and meditate, or work on the book I haven’t worked on for ages yet know I need to complete because it’s important to me to create and will hopefully be of benefit to others.

For instance, my plans for today were to: make sure I practice Chi Kung and Tai Chi, write a new blog, formulate the three questions I’ve been invited to ask Steven Pressfield (these are coming to me), make a Still Life photograph as a wedding present for my niece and work on my classes for next week. Housework, children and gardening don’t even feature, neither does writing my book – oh, and making arrangements to see friends doesn’t figure here either. I have to try to squash all this into today, because I’m busy for the next 6 days. (It’s late now as I re-read this and I haven’t managed half of those).

Thrown into this mix, is the emotional flotsam and jetsam. One day, my most desired longterm plan, appears to be eminently achievable. Sure I can do that, I think with clarity and feel with calmness. Yep, I visualize, that’s me, right there, doing that – no problem. The next day, I may think I’m crazy and the “Who the hell do you think you are?” thoughts weigh in, and I believe them. All the arguments against me being the one to undertake such a project line themselves up, presenting their arguments rapidly and effectively.

This ping ponging is not good for my self confidence and makes me cranky.

Although I’m lucky enough to have a job which interests me, I feel frustrated when there’s so much else I want to do. This transition stage where I’ve got to juggle EVERYTHING in order to move from where I am to where I want to be (doing other, more important things - saving of world etc. activities to which I want devote my time and energy) takes a lot of effort and energy.

To quote Gloria Steinem inexactly:

'most recently feminism is not about being able to ‘have it all’ but rather, not having to ‘do it all.’

One of the questions which popped into my mind as I read The War of Art, Steven Pressfields great book on the topic of RESISTANCE (the condition warrants capital letters) was whether Mr. Pressfield would have been able to devote himself to successfully devoting himself to his writing above all else if he had been raising children as well. To quote Cyril Connolly in “Enemies of Promise”, “There is no more sombre enemy of good art than the pram in the hall.”

For myself, I could endure certain periods of near starvation if necessary to achieve my aims (done it before!), but, once there are children in the mix, their comfort has to come first and that means a stable financial income. As teenagers, they won’t actually realise they (have always been) are comfortable now until they’re raising children themselves; being teenagers they tend to feel hard done by, mostly!

Underlying all this though, there is a steel cable, quietly zinging as it vibrates, reminding me of my core strength and the resolve which has helped me to survive enormous challenges throughout my life. So, despite Ego led cavalcades of Self Doubt I will succeed, however, because I’ll be too damn annoyed with myself if I don’t. Having thought about, and worked for so many years building the foundations for my vision, with ancient stone and modern technique, I will not fail. I’ll find a way and the universe will have no choice but to help me.

This, however true, comes from my ’need to achieve’ attitude and, while my desires come from a spiritual intention of service (as well as a self serving need to live an interesting and meangful life), my guides (through shamanic journeying) answer me, when I ask for guidance re work and purpose that ‘I’m here to be and not to do’, that “I’m not here to achieve, but to allow” and that Life is for experience and enjoyment, and not for work, pressure and production. So, Mr. Pressfield, what can they mean? Are there Muses above muses, in a hierarchy in which those more wise in the ways of Reality warn of loss? Of losing ourselves to functionality, however creative and well intentioned; of sacrificing our birthright of Being? This begs the question: how can we balance our need to create and produce, to ‘move to a higher sphere’, without forfeiting the sacred gift of being and allowing? Do we somehow have it all wrong and are we becoming merely functionaries to the expectations of modern cultural mores, buying into the illusion but ultimately risking the exchange of one treadmill for another?

While the answer is to be in the present moment at all times, that, my friend, is a state of being I haven’t yet got the handle of….

A few days later….have already ‘received’ answer from the universe and am living a new paradigm – read same in next blog I post….