Life Rewards Love

I'm a fan of Billy Collins since I happened upon Nine Horses in a bookshop one afternoon. This is one of the poems from that book.

Aimless Love

This morning as I walked along the lakeshore,

I fell in love with a wren

and later in the day with a mouse

the cat had dropped under the dining room table.

In the shadows of an autumn evening,

I fell for a seamstress

still at her machine in the tailor's window,

and later for a bowl of broth,

steam rising like smoke from a naval battle.

This is the best kind of love, I thought,

without recompense, without gifts,

or unkind words, without suspicion,

or silence on the telephone.

The love of the chestnut,

the jazz cap and one hand on the wheel.

No lust, no slam of the door -

the love of the miniature orange tree,

the clean white shirt, the hot evening shower,

the highway that cuts across Florida.

No waiting, no huffiness, or rancor-

just a twinge every now and then

for the wren who had built her nest

on a low branch overhanging the water

and for the dead mouse,

still dressed in its light brown suit.

But my heart is always propped up

in a field on a tripod,

waiting for the next arrow.

After I carried the mouse by the tail

to a pile of leaves in the wood,

I found myself standing at the bathroom sink

gazing down affectionately at the soap,

so patient and soluble,

so at home in its pale green soap dish.

I could feel myself falling again

as I felt its turning in my wet hands

and caught the scent of lavender and stone.

TO BE AND SIMPLY ALLOW

This post, first published in October somehow disappeared from my site so I am republishing it today, as I feel the insights experienced are valid and useful reading. If it's your first time reading this particular post it may be worth your while reading the posts preceding and following on from it, as I am writing and posting sequentially according to the evolution of my spiritual development.

TO BE AND SIMPLY ALLOW

When I wrote my last blog post, I had been through a disconcerting week of feeling stressed and angry to an extent which was quite out of character, and couldn’t really pinpoint the source of either condition. This state dissipated literally overnight – or, almost as soon as I’d finished writing the blog. As there really were no external factors warranting such anger and discomfort I realised I was in a state of ‘anger arising’, and experience has taught me that, at such times, I am to pay attention, as I am to receive a teaching. Pay attention I did, the result of this has been a deepened understanding of spiritual teaching and the integration into my daily life, of the guidance I have been receiving and which I hitherto hadn’t understood.

When it was communicated to me, that I am to be and not to do, to allow rather than achieve, and that I am here (in body, on Earth) to experience and enjoy rather than struggle and attempt, it didn’t really click deeply with me, until now. Since last weekend, I’ve made a shift in consciousness and understanding which affords me the opportunity to live a new paradigm. I posted the ‘stressed out’ post anyway, as I realise a lot of people live in this state of ‘overwhelm’ and it provides an interesting platform from which to proceed to this post.

One of the things I realised recently is that as spiritual beings living a human experience, the emotions we experience as humans, all of them, are not ours, they are humanitys, and we have elected to experience them. Each one of us, experiences the full range of human emotions which we mistake as our own, selecting and holding on to the most intense, thereby creating our life stories from a very limited palette. We are not our emotions and can let them go, by tuning into and electing to release each emotion in the moment. (See Hale Dwoskins Sedona Method for an effective releasing technique). The story of our life, is not our Life either, but an illusion we have created and continue to create as we filter experiences based on our incomplete palette of distorted memories, causing us thereby, to misrepresent ourselves to ourselves over and over. This of course, also causes us to regard others through our fantasies of them, rather than through perceiving a true impression of the other person, who in turn, is acting out a fantasy of themselves through their own misrepresentations ….As Deepak Chopra has said “We sacrifice Self to Self Image.”

As we are energy and light, and vibrate within the energy spectrum of the human race, in which web of tensile vibrations separation is but an illusion, we tune into others emotions as well as our ‘own’.* Now, I’ve realised all of the above at various levels over the years – that our external reality is a projection of our internal world I learned through photography and psychotherapy and through studying to be a coach. Through studying energy healing and shamanism I learned of multidimensional existence and the fact that WE ARE ONE in Reality. For years I’ve been trying to understand the spiritual teaching that the whole universe is inside me, and this understanding is also deepening with me. I’m fortunate to have wonderful experiences of being in the present, ranging across a wide spectrum - from the deeply profound experience of the bliss of total Divine Love, to appreciating the beauty of a tree shaking off a shower of golden leaves instantly bringing me fully into the present moment. Being present to ones Presence is full of grace and deeply powerful.

Learning recently of, and beginning to practice Ho’oponopono has taken my understanding to a new state of peaceful empowerment and letting go.

The following brief explanation of Ho’oponopono is from an article by Joe Vitale:

“Two years ago, I heard about a therapist in Hawaii who cured a complete ward of criminally insane patients – without ever seeing any of them. The psychologist would study an inmate’s chart and then look within himself to see how he created that person’s illness. As he improved himself, the patient improved.” The author Joe Vitale, then met with the therapist Dr. Ihaleakala Hew Len to ask how he had achieved such results (all of the violent, criminally insane patients were cured, released, and the ward closed!). “This is where I had to ask the million dollar question: What were you doing within yourself that caused these people to change?”

“I was simply healing the part of me that created them,” he said. I didn’t understand. Dr. Len explained that total responsibility for your life means that everything in your life – simply because it is in your life – is your responsibility. In a literal sense the entire world is your creation.”

“Whew. This is tough to swallow. Being responsible for what I say or do is one thing. Being responsible for what everyone in my life says or does is quite another. Yet, the truth is this: if you take complete responsibility for your life, then everything you see, hear, taste, touch, or in any way experience is your responsibility because it is in your life. This means that terrorist activity, the president, the economy or anything you experience and don’t like – is up for you to heal. They don’t exist, in a manner of speaking, except as projections from inside you. The problem isn’t with them, it’s with you, and to change them, you have to change you.

“I know this is tough to grasp, let alone accept or actually live. Blame is far easier than total responsibility, but as I spoke with Dr. Len, I began to realise that healing for him and in Ho’oponopono means loving yourself.

“If you want to improve your life, you have to heal your life. If you want to cure anyone, even a mentally ill criminal you do it by healing you.

“I asked Dr. Len how he went about healing himself. What was he doing, exactly, when he looked at those patients’ files?

“I just kept saying, ‘I’m sorry’ and ‘I love you’ over and over again’ he explained.

“That’s it?

“That’s it.

“Turns out that loving yourself is the greatest way to improve yourself, and as you improve yourself, you improve your world.” […] “Suffice it to say that whenever you want to improve anything in your life, there’s only one place to look: inside you. When you look, do it with love.”*

Regarding oneself with love and compassion, and forgiving ourselves for all the attacks we have made on ourselves and our inner child will heal not only us but the people in our lives in whom we see our pain reflected. This leads to a heightened sense of compassion not only for ourselves, but for everyone we encounter, as we understand that we share their pain, their hopes their joy and their fears.

This teaching, which I don’t fully understand logically, but intuitively understand completely, has allowed me to relax and trust and become softer in my approach to myself and others.

I also realise that all I want to achieve will come to me. I don’t need to strive ‘out there.’ All I need to do is treat myself with self love and compassion through Ho’oponopono, practice Chi Kung, Tai Chi, and meditate, gently creating my intentions and allowing opportunities to manifest. As everything already resides inside me, it’s that simple.

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* (Turns out someone I work closely with had been having panic attacks for the duration of the time I was stressed out, so I did some work for him using the Hawaiian technique of Ho’oponopono which seems to have worked. I didn’t mention anything to him but the day after I started work for him he came in free of an attack and yesterday reported they seem to have completely left him. Great!)

* For a fuller version of this article see http://hooponopono.org

TO BE AND NOT TO DO, THAT IS THE QUESTION?

This is a dilemma I face. I want to save the world, I wanna do interesting stuff, but I put myself under so much pressure, between what I have to do and what I want to do, that I end up riding an emotional rollercoaster re all of it, thereby becoming less effective. I find myself facing resistance re being in the moment with whatever I am doing, and with taking time out to simply be. Even meditation, that holy practice of Being as ones divine self, becomes another something to be factored in.

Thinking outside of the moment, rather than being in the moment causes confusion – there doesn’t seem to be enough time in the day to pursue everything, and I don’t want to give up on my plans for anything, because that would, to me, mean giving up on my dreams and stagnating. Of course, I can plan to time-manage, but everything takes up so much time, and needs so much time, that this, in itself, becomes difficult.

Unless I am actively: putting in the preparation for classes, at work teaching, doing admin etc., preparing workshops/coaching sessions, or coaching clients, doing the housework/gardening, spending time with my daughters and catering to their needs (which usually seem to involve financial outlay!), I feel guilty.

Being on the internet, or on Twitter or watching TV feel like indulgences I have to justify to myself, even though these practices are necessary on so many levels and stimulating to my work.

I also feel less than when I don’t practice Tai Chi and meditate, or work on the book I haven’t worked on for ages yet know I need to complete because it’s important to me to create and will hopefully be of benefit to others.

For instance, my plans for today were to: make sure I practice Chi Kung and Tai Chi, write a new blog, formulate the three questions I’ve been invited to ask Steven Pressfield (these are coming to me), make a Still Life photograph as a wedding present for my niece and work on my classes for next week. Housework, children and gardening don’t even feature, neither does writing my book – oh, and making arrangements to see friends doesn’t figure here either. I have to try to squash all this into today, because I’m busy for the next 6 days. (It’s late now as I re-read this and I haven’t managed half of those).

Thrown into this mix, is the emotional flotsam and jetsam. One day, my most desired longterm plan, appears to be eminently achievable. Sure I can do that, I think with clarity and feel with calmness. Yep, I visualize, that’s me, right there, doing that – no problem. The next day, I may think I’m crazy and the “Who the hell do you think you are?” thoughts weigh in, and I believe them. All the arguments against me being the one to undertake such a project line themselves up, presenting their arguments rapidly and effectively.

This ping ponging is not good for my self confidence and makes me cranky.

Although I’m lucky enough to have a job which interests me, I feel frustrated when there’s so much else I want to do. This transition stage where I’ve got to juggle EVERYTHING in order to move from where I am to where I want to be (doing other, more important things - saving of world etc. activities to which I want devote my time and energy) takes a lot of effort and energy.

To quote Gloria Steinem inexactly:

'most recently feminism is not about being able to ‘have it all’ but rather, not having to ‘do it all.’

One of the questions which popped into my mind as I read The War of Art, Steven Pressfields great book on the topic of RESISTANCE (the condition warrants capital letters) was whether Mr. Pressfield would have been able to devote himself to successfully devoting himself to his writing above all else if he had been raising children as well. To quote Cyril Connolly in “Enemies of Promise”, “There is no more sombre enemy of good art than the pram in the hall.”

For myself, I could endure certain periods of near starvation if necessary to achieve my aims (done it before!), but, once there are children in the mix, their comfort has to come first and that means a stable financial income. As teenagers, they won’t actually realise they (have always been) are comfortable now until they’re raising children themselves; being teenagers they tend to feel hard done by, mostly!

Underlying all this though, there is a steel cable, quietly zinging as it vibrates, reminding me of my core strength and the resolve which has helped me to survive enormous challenges throughout my life. So, despite Ego led cavalcades of Self Doubt I will succeed, however, because I’ll be too damn annoyed with myself if I don’t. Having thought about, and worked for so many years building the foundations for my vision, with ancient stone and modern technique, I will not fail. I’ll find a way and the universe will have no choice but to help me.

This, however true, comes from my ’need to achieve’ attitude and, while my desires come from a spiritual intention of service (as well as a self serving need to live an interesting and meangful life), my guides (through shamanic journeying) answer me, when I ask for guidance re work and purpose that ‘I’m here to be and not to do’, that “I’m not here to achieve, but to allow” and that Life is for experience and enjoyment, and not for work, pressure and production. So, Mr. Pressfield, what can they mean? Are there Muses above muses, in a hierarchy in which those more wise in the ways of Reality warn of loss? Of losing ourselves to functionality, however creative and well intentioned; of sacrificing our birthright of Being? This begs the question: how can we balance our need to create and produce, to ‘move to a higher sphere’, without forfeiting the sacred gift of being and allowing? Do we somehow have it all wrong and are we becoming merely functionaries to the expectations of modern cultural mores, buying into the illusion but ultimately risking the exchange of one treadmill for another?

While the answer is to be in the present moment at all times, that, my friend, is a state of being I haven’t yet got the handle of….

A few days later….have already ‘received’ answer from the universe and am living a new paradigm – read same in next blog I post….