Monday, August 24, 2009

VIVE LA DIFFERENCE!





 

 

This particular post brings together two loves of mine, one   enormous intrinsic interest being personal freedom, the second, lesser love being France.

 

The following comes from an article by Debra Ollivier, an American living in France and concerns her observations regarding cultural differences between women of American/Anglo-Saxon heritage and French Women, who are regarded as being in a class of their own.

 

She moved to spend a year at the Sorbonne in her early twenties after reading Jean Paul Sartre who declared “L’enfer, c’est les autres!” (Hell is other people) a sentiment which she wholeheartedly embraced at the time.  She became mesmerised by French women:  “They were a sensual and resilient counterpart to the one-size-fits-all beauty standard advocated around me, and seemed to make an art form out of ennui….their sophistication seemed wrapped up in the way they diverged from the aggressively sunny imperatives of “happy”.  She noticed that they had a “defiant sense of self-possession that was somehow sexy in and of itself …..a certain “je ne sais quoi” and “inhabited their own worlds so completely that I might have been from another planet.  My smiles were greeted by a frosty reception, or often returned with a look of placid indifference.  I got the distinct feeling that my sunny Californian demeanour was a mortal faux pas.” 

 

“If hell is other people, I thought, these women don’t seem to care what other people think of them at all.  News flash:  They don’t.”

 

She goes on to say it took her years to actually absorb this insight “that the seeds of the French woman’s defiant and sexy self-possession are rooted in girlhood, and all tangled up in the cruel machinations of youth.  Consider the contrast:  Indeed, one of the first pressures bearing down on American girls is the pressure not only to be liked but to be like everyone else.  This seminal feat of self-transformation often invloves loosening one’s grip on that quiet sense of inner self and hitching one’s wagon to a single standard of beauty and behaviour.  The stress of that effort insinuates itself into the young heart and soul with a vengeance, and insecurities go from being hard little buds of confusion to overripe, tyrranical fruits that hang on the vine as we age.”

.

 

Ollivier goes on to state that the opposite attitude is fostered in France, individualism is hailed, cloning and conformity of behaviour considered suspect.  The concept of Jolie-Laide, the French term for “ugly-pretty” honours striking looks above tame prettiness.  “The allure of a jolie-laide woman lies in her imperfections, and in the way her inner life informs her outer beauty.  It is the anti-thesis of perfection, because perfection is boring.”

 

Oh! What liberation!  While, for the most part, we have been spared those Little Princess beauty pageants so plaguing young America, the concept of jolie-laide could do with a bit more press worldwide.  As for not giving a fig for the opinions of the general population, how much more powerful would we Irish women be if we eschewed the contradictory assertive male/aggressive female attitude we unconsciously uphold.

 

This lack of respect for the concept of needing to be liked by everyone is a very powerful one.  A friend of mine recently described a French Vice-Mayoress who she came across at an International conference.  She said that this particular woman raised the hackles of a number of the women in her (UK) entourage.  My friend admired the woman, who, she felt, wore her power very effectively.  She voiced the opinion, that the women attending the conference would have had no problem at all with a man displaying the same attitude as the passionate and powerful Madame.

 

Debra Ollivier reveals that the movie He’s Just Not That Into You bombed in France.  Co-author Liz Tucillo (who also writes for Sex and the City) went to France to investigate.  She discovered that when a French woman comes across a man who’s not that into her she simply moves on, without needing a book or movie to figure it out.  She simply doesn’t give a damn.  “Adieu, next!”  Tucillo was told the key to French womens self possession by a French woman:

 

 “You have to love yourself. You have to know who you are.”

 

Which prompted Tucillo to reply “If I could, I would have an operation to become a French woman.”

 

I wish I’d paid more attention to French women when I spent a lot of time in France in my late teens, early twenties.  Ollivier herself said it took her years to figure it out.  Personally I think the key is to know and love oneself, to desire to love and be loved, but not to take things personally.  There are some people you just won’t like, and some who simply won’t like you.  If I don’t like you, it’s my stuff, and if you don’t like me, it’s well, yours.  You can still like you and I can still like me.

 

I gave my children the benefit of my experience and personal exploration by allowing them a very long rein.  They had to discover exactly who they are, in order to know themselves, have a high level of self respect, and to allow me to know them and them know me.

 

They are confident and friendly, have excellent social skills, and are philosophical about rejection, quickly processing matters and moving on.

 

As they are still in their mid-teens, they run with the flock rather than the wolves yet, but I so look forward to meeting the women they will become.

 

 

 

Friday, August 21, 2009



FIVE STEPS TO FREEDOM 

When I was a little girl, my mother wrote this is my autograph book: 

“Whatever people may say, whatever people may do

If you want to be happy the rest of your life

Always paddle your own canoe”

 

That was damn good advice, but easier to read than live up to in a culture which seeks to tame and herd.  She said her mother taught her that, they both grew up in a society which was very tough on women.  I believe societies in general make it difficult for all of us (male and female) to find and express the exquisite essence of our Self.  Also,  we seem to be wired to somehow diss ourselves, to believe we are less than the reality of our true Self.  We can look at this as an inbuilt ‘device’ designed,  at some level with our agreement, to lead us, lesson by lesson, to truly recognise ourselves as equal expressions of Life.

 

STEP 1 STOP COMPARING YOURSELF TO OTHERS

     By the time we reach adulthood, we have been criticized far more

     than we have been praised.  This gives us the false notion that

     we are not good enough, or inept.  This is simply not true.  We

     are all interconnected and have unique gifts.

 

STEP 2  BECOME AWARE OF YOUR THOUGHTS

 

    Our false beliefs about ourselves are constructed when we are too

    young to realise they are untrue.  When we heard things like “Why

    can’t you be more like….” as children we didn’t know to question

    the assumption and make the decision that it would not be the right

    thing for us to be like the so called paragon held up as an example

     of perfection.  As adults, by tuning in to our in-built critic, we can

     now reason and decide that no, we have a different way of being 

     which suits us.  This will take time, but will help you get to know

     the real you which you unconsciously repress.

 

STEP 3  STOP BLAMING

 

    Yeah, I know this is a tough one,  blaming others is something we 

    all do.  Undoing this way of thinking is absolutely necessary 

    though if we are to i) KNOW and ii) BE our true selves.  Blaming

     keeps us focused on those who ‘done us wrong’, this keeps us

     focused on them, rather than ourselves and wastes a lot of time

     and energy. 

     It assigns them power than over us;

     stops us from perceiving them as equals who also bought into

     false ideas about themselves received from the authority figures

     in their lives and keeps us reacting from the past rather than

     spontaneously responding in the present.   If we keep

      blaming, we’ll keep missing opportunities to live a life we love.

 

STEP 4  LET GO OF JEALOUSY AND RESENTMENT

 

    Again, something we all do, and like blaming, difficult to release.

    However, jealousy doesn’t serve us, it makes us feel less than.  If

    we had a difficult child/adulthood we may feel others have had all

    the breaks.  By re-viewing our difficulties from the perspective of

    what we learned from our traumas, we can begin to identify our

    specific skills and how we can use them to serve us.  By realising

    that we inter-are* we can see the gifts of others as gifts to ourselves

    this will help us to appreciate the talents of others and support us to

    realise and manifest our own unique contributions to the world. 

    When someone is successful, it helps us to study how they do it

    then modify their methods to suit our endeavours.  Simple, but

    effective.

 

STEP 5  ESTABLISH YOU OWN VALUES

 

    This comes back to ‘watching’ your thoughts and questioning

     the assumptions you have about yourself and others.  Where

     did that thought originate?  Where did you first hear it?  From

     whom?  In what context?  Does it enrich you or deny you?  Does

     it deserve your respect?  People have different values, think about

     people you know at home and at work, what does their behaviour

     tell you about their values?  Are they in accordance with yours or

     are they different?  What is important to you?

 

Taking the time to observe and get to know yourself can lead to remarkable transformation.  It takes getting used to, it takes focus, it won’t change you overnight but it will begin the process of change immediately.  You’re going to be around anyway, so you may as well begin now and observe the benefits of your new practice of self awareness reward you over time…..

* Inter-being is a term coined by well known peace activist, Buddhist leader and spiritual teacher Thich Nhat Hanh.  Thay (his nickname) teaches that if we take anything and trace it we will see that it is a continuation of everything else.  A famous example he gives is that of seeing the cloud in the blank sheet of paper.  By realizing that the rain had to moisten the seed for the tree to grow, that the earth had to provide it with nutrients, that the sun had to shine on it, that the logger had to cut it, the loggers husband/wife provide him/her with food, the logging company pay his wages, the paper firm make the paper – you see where this is going – nothing can exist without everything else.  We are One.

May as well feel jealous, resentful, less than or blameful of your own knee as of someone else.

 

   

                

 

 

 

 

 

 


* Inter-being is a term coined by well known peace activist, Buddhist leader and spiritual teacher Thich Nhat Hanh.  Thay (his nickname) teaches that if we take anything and trace it we will see that it is a continuation of everything else.  A famous example he gives is that of seeing the cloud in the blank sheet of paper.  By realizing that the rain had to moisten the seed for the tree to grow, that the earth had to provide it with nutrients, that the sun had to shine on it, that the logger had to cut it, the loggers husband/wife provide him/her with food, the logging company pay his wages, the paper firm make the paper – you see where this is going – nothing can exist without everything else.  We are One.

May as well feel jealous, resentful, less than or blameful of your own knee as of someone else.

Thursday, August 20, 2009


NIBBLED TO DEATH BY DUCKS

                        

It struck me as I read renowned American author Joan Didion’s exquisitely written and poignant memoir, The Year of Magical Thinking, in which she remembers her husbands warning  (prior to her acceptance of a job as staff writer for Life Magazine) - “Working for Life will be like being nibbled to death by ducks”  - that most people find themselves in this position of slow torture during their working life, but often allow fear to prevent them from doing anything about it.   Joan Didion discovered the veracity of his advice when she found herself constantly overlooked when it came to interesting assignments, which were always given to “the guys”, and she was left to cover lightweight assignments as her confidence in herself eroded.  While things have improved gender-wise in the workplace, this is advice so many of us need to heed from our inner voice when we resign ourselves to working in jobs to which we are wholly unsuited - when we cause ourselves to die slowly by succumbing to the tyranny of Should. “I should take this job because…..”  “I should stay in this job because….”  The metaphor John Dunne offered lovingly and knowingly to his wife, succintly expresses the agony of life sacrificed to the everyday torture of feeling less than and diminished by the work we do, or the politics of the workplace in which we feel trapped.  Sometimes, it’s the work itself which bores us to a paralysing deadness, or the feeling of talent dampened, othertimes it can be working in an institution surrounded by sharks in the guise of ducks who seek to undermine us while taking credit for our creativity and talent.  Whichever it is, we owe it to ourselves to get out and strikeoff on our own path; to find that which will nurture, uplift, inspire and allow us to shine and share our unique gifts with a world which waits to receive the authentic expression of our Self.

 

Once we recognise the need to breakout and thrive, and allow ourselves to engage with the delightful prospect of fulfilling our soul purpose, we initially feel joyful enthusiasm and inspiration but almost immediately meet more ducks.  This time, they appear in the guise of harmless little plastic ducks bobbing up and down in the seas of our psyche, glowing in friendly yellow, and cautioning words of warning through smiling red beaks:

 

·      “Ah, I should stay where I am, it’s not so bad, I’ve got  great holiday leave and a pension plan, I don’t know how lucky I am.”

·        “Sure what can I do?  How can I make my mark in a world already full of (insert your own word here)?  I’ll be better off staying where I am.”

·       “I’m too busy to work my job, look after the kids and set up a new business.  Who do I think I am?”

·       “Nobody will support me, they’ll all think I’m mad.”

·        “How will I pay the bills?”

·       “The banks won’t help the likes of me.”

·       “I’ll scare the children if I leave my job, they’re used to the way we live, I can’t ask them to make sacrifices.”

·        “(Insert name of husband/wife) loves the status that comes with my job, I can’t become a…..”

·       “Am I crazy to think of leaving my job in the current economic climate – people would give their eye teeth to be in my position?”

 

Nibble, nibble, nibble.

 

The GREAT news is, once we discover and align with, our authentic self, our soul purpose, we cannot fail.  The universe conspires with us to help us succeed.  Success may not come in a conventional shape.  We may have to sacrifice something (our fancy house or car, the status we thought important) but it won’t be our Self.  It may take time, we may lose money, it may hurt sometimes, but the reward will be one hundred times worth the effort we put in, and every effort counts.

 

Every single person who has recognised and decided to engage in pursuing their passion has met with fear based resistance and has had to overcome a raft of excuses thrown up by emotions based on their egos intervention.  The ones who succeed in forging the life they want to live are those who listen to, then minimise their fears, while simultaneously enlarging and enhancing their desires.  Luckily, there are a multitude of effective techniques one can learn to enable each one of us to do this, and step by step, we enjoy the adventure of living our destiny.

 

It’s important to understand that we don’t have to see the complete picture before we embark on the journey, we just need to see the first few steps.  As we climb  the stairs towards our individual idea of  success, the next few steps will reveal themselves.  Each little step undertaken will bolster our confidence in ourselves and bring us closer to our desired outcome.  We may feel we don’t have the energy to pursue our chosen lifestyle, that it will be too difficult, take too much time and effort.  While this may be true at the start, like a rocket which guzzles fuel on takeoff but which uses less once it’s airborn, the initial stages of changing our lives demand a lot of time and energy, but, as we get our wings, it takes a lot less effort to keep things moving.  Remember, from our present viewpoint we can’t  possibly envisage the opportunities that will come our way, therefore while it’s important at the outset to have an idea or vision of the outcome we desire, it’ s also important to remember that any adventure allows for spontaneity and the outcome we desire will alter as we learn more about ourselves, receive support from unexpected quarters and shape our work and our world to suit.

 

Best get started, you only need to take one small step at a time…

Wednesday, August 19, 2009


POLITE FIRST OFFICERS CRASH PLANES

 

Having negotiated said Emergency Saturday and Seminar Sunday, I boarded the train at Liverpool St to head to Stansted for the return journey to Cork.  The tannoy on the train kept informing us we were heading to Liverpool St and, after the shenaningans of the day before I couldn’t help feeling nervous even though I knew we were heading for Stansted.  The shifting sands of Ryanair Gates had me gaily skipping down the ramp to a plane to Milan before the nice ground hostess followed me having spotted the Cork ID on my boarding pass.  At this stage I laughed out loud.  Another Gate change later, much to the consternation of passengers who, previously occupied prime positions at the top of the queue now found themselves at the end of the new on, and I successfully boarded the correct flight.

 

Having by now, surrendered my fate to the gods, at 30,000 ft or something, I calmly read Malcolm Gladwells study of airplane crashes in his book OUTLIERS , Ch. The Ethnic Theory of Plane Crashes.  In this fascinating study, he discovers a lot of plane crashes are caused by communication problems between cockpit crew.  To whit, between the Captain and First Officer in which the PDI culture affects communication causing the First Officer to used “mitigated speech” in his dialogue with the Captain.  What this means is the First Officer is over differential to the Captain and doesn’t want to upset him.  The PDI refers to the Power Distance Index of a culture.  “Power distance is concerned with attitudes toward hierarchy, specifically with how much a particular culture values and respects authority.”  In high PDI cultures, the FO doesn’t issue clear instructions to the Captain as he feels too intimidated, and this has resulted in numerous plane crashes.  PDI in work situations across the board results in employees fearing expression of disagreement with managers, and, in society in general, to individuals repressing their own opinions, intutitions and authentic self belief in favour of hierarchical figures and values.


If a country has a high PDI Index, it means the culture of that country holds authority figures in very high esteem, and there is a large discrepancy between power relations between what are seen as higher and lesser individuals within that society.  A country with a low PDI Index is one which upholds a more egalitarian societal structure.  According to Gladwell, the list which ranks plane crashes by country matches very closely with the top pilot PDI’s.  The list below lists the top five:

  1. Brazil
  2. South Korea
  3. Morocco
  4. Mexico
  5. Philippines

 

The five lowest PDI’s by country are:

 

15.   United States

16.   Ireland

17.   South Africa

18.   Australia

19.   New Zealand

 

So, while we may whinge about Ryanair’s notorious ‘intractable’ attitude, it could be that my calm demeanour aboard the plane was justified.

 

On a more poignant note, the chapter contains actual transcripts from the Black Boxes before the planes crashed which very sadly demonstrate the speech patterns and attitudes culminating in the deaths of all onboard.

 

If this demonstrates anything, it’s that it’s essential for our own and everyone elses sake that we cultivate a healthy level of self respect and encourage all about us to step into their own power.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Watchout! Ryanair Clipping Irish/UK Wings

As I perused the Ryanair website on early Saturday morning, I came across a little item declaring that all Ryanair check-in must now occur online.  OK, I'd already seen those headlines.  What I hadn't noticed before, because it's not prominently advertised, is that the practice of citizens travelling between Ireland and the UK on Valid Photo ID such as a Driving Licence was now abolished.  Apparently other airlines still observe this practice - but not Ryanair.  My hitherto lack of concern re my passport needing renewal now became an emergency situation as I was travelling to the UK on the 08:10 plane the following day and passport offices are closed on Saturday and Sundays.  I somehow managed to find a Ryanair phone no. which is 'manned' on weekends, but, Ryanair stayed true to its rep and gave no assistance.  (If you booked your flight before May 20th of this year you can still travel on your Driving Licence until October 2009).  Many expletives later and I phoned the Dept of Foreign Affairs.  See www.dfa.ie for details of obtaining EMERGENCY PASSPORT.  Despite being mentally

Prepared for this conversation “Well, it’s not exactly a

Medical emergency  but I may have apoplexy if I don’t get

on that plane…” the lovely lady I spoke to merely asked

me for my name and travel details and I was almost

immediately contacted by a nice man who would go to

Anglesea St Garda station to issue me a passport! 

 

The nice girl at the pharmacy stood on a stool to stick a digital compact camera in my face.  New passport photo regulations demand a very close up photo with a severe

Expression and one’s ears must show.  The wide angle

Lens at close proximity produced an unrecognizable

rendition of my face which looked somewhat like a

large nosed mule staring dazedly over a fence.  Grabbing my mule shots now signed and stamped by a young garda at the local station I rampaged my way to Cork managing an alliterative detour to Adelaide St Garda Stn thereby almost missing nice man from Passport Office.  110 euro lighter for an 11 month passport I headed to Soundstore to buy coloured ink for my printer to ensure I could print out

the precious boarding pass.  Went through columns of coloured printing ink packs but could find none bearing the code of my printer.  Began concentrating on the side of packs, saw the code, bought the two packs bearing it and rushed home.  Went to load coloured ink in position next to black cartridge only to discover it too was black!  Aargh!

Said apoplexy setting in with alarming speed, I phoned friend for help, following a series of setbacks at her end, she finally managed to print out the Holy Boarding Pass.

 

By the time my laptop bag caught itself in the door of the Seminar room in London the following morning, I was laughing – it seemed that was the last hurdle I’d have to overcome to get to my destination.

 

Monday, August 3, 2009

EXPLODE INTO LIFE!

HEAVENS ABOVE – WE’RE ALL AT SEA!

 

The One Show (BBC1) recently aired a feature on stargazing – of the astronomical type – in which it discussed the lost ability of navigating by the night sky.  According to the programme, knowledge of the star system was once common knowledge and while adventurers used the stars to navigagte their way to new frontiers, everyone in the general population could easily find their way home using the stars as a guide.  An interviewer from the show went on the street asking people to point out the North Star and no one could!  Help!  We’re lost.

 

As I lolled about in bed this am, pondering on life the universe and everything as I’m wont to do before getting up, I mulled over this info.  It strikes me that, apart from the sad fact that we’ve lost the ability to connect with our essential natural birthright, the ancestral knowledge of navigating independently through unfamiliar terrain, we’ve also, as individuals in modern society, lost the ability to connect with, and be guided by, our internal North Star – our authentic Self.

 

The unique voice and vision of the individual has been clouded over by the promulgation and promotion of culturally constructed Stars, those success stories the media parades for our consumption, the celebrity business moguls, singers, actors, models, dancers, formula 1 drivers, gurus of financial, entertainment  and political arenas which fit and promote a very narrow spectrum of being.  We are bombarded by adverts arriving in all shapes, from all fronts and in all environments telling us how to look and be, and providing us with an extended hierarchical list of values to strive for.

 

In our immediate social environment, we are, from an early age, exposed to the voices of our family, school, neighbours and peers who all present values to which we are expected to adhere in order to gain love and acceptance – to Fit In.  This conditioning, which helps us to navigate the social world, and which often provides a sound  moral compass, may also leave us feeling lost and isolated, despite the underlying promises of love and acceptance contained in the subtle and not so subtle messages we receive in a relentless stream.  This invasion of our psyche, from the earliest age, causes us to “sacrifice Self for self image”*  We dress, behave and pursue careers and lifestyles which will look good, which gain the approval of others  and which appear to be right for us. 

 

For the most part, those who love us advise us with our best interests at heart, unfortunately, this advice, though well intentioned, may indvertently steer us off course and away from the direction our soul wants us to head – it may be whats right for the person or persons giving us the advice, but not for us.  We are warned to go for the safe option, for the secure, tried and trusted employment rather than to take risks –to go for it!  It’s understandable that people who care about us will want to give us safe advice, this is what they have inculcated from the social environment to which they have been exposed, and their lives may suit them to a tee, or, they may not be aware of their sacrifice, what they’ve given up to pay the bills, or to maintain the status quo, or their perceived status within the community.  Sometimes, we confuse the sound moral advice we’ve been given during our upbringing with striking out for our own best interests, we may think along the lines  “It wouldn’t be right to leave the job I hate, I’d be acting foolishly, I’d let people down.”  This attitude serves no one, making less of oneself will not make more of someone else.  We need to develop and pursue our own expectations, and not live to serve the expectations of others.

 

If we are less than happy, it is incumbent upon each one of us to become aware of, and begin to unravel the web of conditioning which prevents us from being fully alive and present to ourselves and our gifted purpose - to do the world a favour by finding the North Star which will guide us to that which we were born to express and offer as our gift to ourselves and others.



* Deepak Chopra